July 2009 | Knowledge World

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [59 of 100]

59.....Be your own fan.

We need self-reinforcement, a belief in ourselves that is strong and unwavering. Be ready to pick yourself up when you are feeling down.

The young man walked up to his high school gym. A paper tacked to the wall listed the players who had made the varsity team.
Fifteen-year-old Michael Jordan looked up and down the list. He could not find his name. Michael Jordan had not made the team. Michael Jordan is considered by most experts to be the best basketball player ever. But he had to believe in himself to get there. By the time many basketball players reach the tenth grade, they are receiving hundreds of letters from college
coaches seeking to recruit them into their programs. Michael Jordan didn't receive a single letter, because Michael Jordan didn't make the team.
Michael Jordan didn't give up. He believed in himself and in his ability, and he practiced and practiced. The next year he made the team. And he became its star.Rejection spells failure only if you do not believe in yourself.
For those who believe, it is only a challenge.

The fendency to reinforce one's own self-confidence improves life satisfaction by about 20 percent for both men and women.

Seybolt and Wagner 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [58 of 100]

58.....Events are temporary.

Bad things happen, but usually we do not feel their effects on us forever. It's really true that time heals wounds. Your disappointments are important and serious, but your distress will pass and
your life will take you in new directions. Give yourself some time.

The day after Dan lost his election to be mayor of his hometown, he felt like a load of bricks had dropped on him. He felt that he was a failure.
Almost thirty years later, Dan was asked about the things that defined him. Was the disappointment that had once sickened him first in his mind? No. His relationship with his wife,
his life as a father, his commitment to political progress—these were the things he mentioned. Did he feel like a failure?
Not at all. "Life is not wins and losses; it's how you live every day."

Studies of thousands of Americans show that happy people are not immune to negative events. Instead, they are characterized by the ability to think about other things in the aftermath of negative events.

Bless, Clore, Schwarz, and Golisano 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [57 of 100]

57.....Be flexible.

When we want to be with friends and family, often we want it to be on our terms. If everybody approaches relationships this way, no one will be happy. Instead of thinking only about what you want, think about what the others want too, and consider why it is important to spend time together. Accept that there are always differences between people and that if you are flexible you will enjoy your time with them more and feel closer to them.
Three sisters, Donna, Marie, and April, all want to hold the family's Christmas celebration at their .house. For years, they took turns, rotating to all three houses every three years. Then
Donna had a child and wanted to have the family over to her house every year. She wanted her son to be able to wake up and see the tree and spend the whole day at home. Marie didn't think that was fair. She wanted things done the same as they had always been done. Marie became uncomfortable at Donna's house, and Donna became uncomfortable at Marie's. April was left in the uncomfortable position of not being able to do anything except sacrifice her own turn.
Ultimately, the conflict existed because the sisters wanted to be together as a family. However, their desire to be together on their own terms kept them from being peacefully together. It is
far better to be flexible enough to sacrifice what's personally ideal to have something acceptable, than to sacrifice the acceptable to have nothing.

Nearly all individuals report significant changes in their lives and in their values over the course of time. Those who viewed these changes as inevitable and remained open to the possibility that changes would be positive were 35 percent more likely to be satisfied with their lives than those who did not.

Minetti 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [56 of 100]

56.....Accomplish something every day.

Sometimes days fly by without anything standing out in your mind, without any tangible improvement. Every day make sure, no matter how small the effort, that you do something to make your dreams come true.
We've all heard the proverb "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." But that same journey is vastly easier to make if the scenery changes.
If you keep moving and see different surroundings, you know you are making progress. If you can't see the progress you are making, if every step seems to leave you in the same place, then you will have trouble believing that you are moving forward.
Every day in your life you have to see the progress. Ask yourself, What did I accomplish today? If you have an answer, if you can see the progress you have made in your journey, then you have had a valuable day, a good day.

In research on hundreds of college students, individuals were found to be happiest when they felt they were moving closer to achieving their goals. Students who could not see progress
were three times less likely to feel satisfied than students who could.

McGregor and Little 1998

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [55 of 100]

55.....Buy what you like.

Don't accumulate possessions for the sake of having a lot of stuff. On the other hand, don't deny yourself something that you really want or need. If you buy things that are important to you, you can appreciate them every day and won't feel the need to fill your home with every item at the mall.
In a single year, Americans buy over 17 billion articles of clothing. Americans buy so much new clothing that every year we give over 200 million pounds of clothing away to the Salvation Army alone. Americans buy so much new clothing, and so quickly discard anything that is worn, that the federal government has reclassified sewing machines' place in economic growth measurements from the "apparel and upkeep" category to the "recreation" category.
Many of us accumulate so far beyond our needs that we cannot use nearly all of what we have. In those cases, we are spending more, but getting less, because the things we buy don't really
serve our needs or purposes. Other people go to the opposite extreme. Don't put off buying
items that would have value to you every day merely to demonstrate your frugality, since the purpose of saving is to allow you to buy what you need.

Anticipating and accumulating consumer goods can contribute to a sense of persona! well-being; however, placing too much emphasis on material goods has a diminishing effect on happiness.

Oropesa 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [54 of 100]

54......Get a good night's sleep.

Don't skimp on sleep. A full night's rest is fuel for the following day. Rested people feel they work better and are more comfortable when the day is over.

An interesting thing happened on Tuesday mornings in the fall of 1998. A study found that workers in the Northeast were 3 percent more productive than they had been on Tuesdays the
autumn before.
What changed? Monday night footbal! came on an hour earlier in 1998, and more men got a decent night's sleep as a result. Instead of games lasting past midnight, in 1998 games tended to
end before 11:30. Sleep is such an easy thing to trade away to TV, to work, to anything. Sleep seems like the bottomless bank account we can never overdraw. But a good night's sleep pays dividends in every aspect of our lives.

Quality and quantity of sleep contribute to health, well-being, and a positive outlook. For those who sleep less than eight hours, every hour of sleep sacrificed results in an 8 percent less
positive feeling about their day.

Pilcher and Ott 1998

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [53 of 100]

53.....Don't pretend to ignore things your loved ones do that bother you.

In the name of being agreeable, some people try to avoid areas that might cause dissension. But with our loved ones, this strategy sometimes makes us uncomfortable. We can feel unappreciated because we have made a sacrifice but nobody thanks us for it. Sometimes we feel angry because this problem doesn't go away. Raise the subject of your disagreement, but do so lovingly and constructively, not with anger or aggression.
Mary is a hairdresser. Her sister Kim is a banker. Normally, this is of little importance to Mary. But Mary's mother introduces her daughters to friends this way: "Mary's a hairdresser.
Her sister's a banker, though." Inside it burns Mary every time.
Why does her mother have to focus on her daughters' occupations and then say it in a way that makes it sound like she's disappointed in Mary's work?
Inevitably, when Mary visits her mother, her mother complains that Mary is unfriendly or "too down." She never considers that it is her own comments that put Mary in that state. Mary finally explained how her mother's words felt to her, and her mother said she had no idea. She was proud of both of her daughters, and she didn't intend to make it seem that her daughters' occupations were what mattered to her.

In relationships, those who feel they can freely communicate their concerns and needs to their partner are 40 percent more likely to feel satisfied than those who do not.

Ferroni and Me 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [52 of 100]

52.....Never trade your morals for your goals.

People who compromise what they believe in to satisfy their goals wind up dissatisfied with their accomplishments. If you do not believe yourself to be moral, satisfaction is unattainable.

A few years back, a student at Yale was expelled. His transgression was that he had faked all the documents in his application: his grades, his letters of recommendation, his activities. His fake application looked so good that Yale admitted him. The student actually did well in his classes and was nearing graduation.
How did he get caught? He confessed. He simply could not keep quiet about his fake application, even though his real course work was about to get him a degree. The fact that his achievement would always be predicated on a lie made it no achievement at all.

Being happy and being moral buttress each other. People whofeel they lack morals report they are half as likely to feel happy compared to those who feel they are moral.

Garrett 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [51 of 100]

51.....Make your work a calling.

If you see your work as only a job, then it's dragging you away from what you really want to be doing. If you see it as a calling, then it is no longer a toiling sacrifice. Instead, it becomes an expression of you, a part of you.
Victor is a motorman for the Chicago Transit Authority. Five days a week he's running an elevated train on the Red Line. Victor stands out in the minds of the people who ride his train
because of a notable and unusual trait: he loves his job. "Thank you for riding with me this evening on Electric Avenue. Don't lean against the doors, I don't want to lose you," he tells passengers over the intercom as the train departs.
As the train makes its way north, Victor points out notable sites, including which connecting buses are waiting in the street below.
People compliment him all the time, telling the city he's the best motorman in Chicago. Victor admits, "Our equipment may be junky, but for $1.50 I want to give a Lincoln Town Car ride."

Why does Victor have such a positive approach to his job? "My father is a retired motorman, and one day he took me to work with him and I was so impressed looking out that window," he says, speaking of the city skyline. "Ever since I was five years old, I knew I wanted to run the trains."

In research on working women, researchers found that even for those working in the same kinds of jobs, work was alternatively viewed either as a series of hassles or as a positive experience in which the women were in control of their lives. Among those who felt control, life satisfaction was 28 percent higher than among those who did not.

Thakar and Misra 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [50 of 100]

50......Cherish animals.

Animals have so much to teach us about love. The closer we get to animals, the more joy they give us.

Gina runs a nursing home. She has tried all kinds of things to brighten the days for her senior citizens. What works better than anything else is dogs. The local animal shelter brings in a vanload of small dogs every Thursday afternoon, and the seniors immediately smile.
The dogs offer unconditional love, and the residents of the nursing home, who often feel isolated and withdrawn, take that love and are energized by it. Softened by the love, they return it right
back to their furry friends.
"You just have to watch one of these dogs put his head under a listless hand, demanding to be petted, or rest his chin on a patient's chest and stare lovingly into their eyes, or see someone
who wouldn't get out of bed offer to hold the leash and take a dog for a walk down the hall" to see how much dogs can help, according to one volunteer. "You can actually see dogs bring people out of themselves and help them forget their troubles. Blank faces come alive, and eyes uncloud."

Interaction with animals supplies us with both immediate joy and long-term positive feelings, and contributes strongly to our happiness. Those with a loved pet are 22 percent more likely to feel satisfied than those without.

Barofsky and Rowan 1998

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [49 of 100]

49......Be a peacemaker.

If your friends or family members are upset with one another, you will feel their unhappiness. Try to be the voice of reason and reconciliation.
Nellie and Cindy are sisters from northern California. They were close all their lives, and they even decided to move in together to share Nellie's house.
And then the phone bill came. Nellie received what she called the biggest phone bill of her
life and immediately confronted her sister. Cindy looked at the bill and said that most of the calls weren't hers; they must have been placed by Nellie.
Words escalated, until the tension between the sisters completely eclipsed their familial bonds. The rest of their family members felt uncomfortable in their presence and began to avoid
them rather than trying to help them through the difficulty. With no compromise in sight, Nellie sued her own sister in small claims court. The family was exasperated with the both of
them.
And even while Nellie won the case, she lost her sister.

The passive avoidance of problems between loved ones reduces contentment by 15 percent. To keep in contact and maintain happiness, difficulties must be faced rather than avoided.

Simpson 1990

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [48 of 100]

48.....Don't blame yourself.

When things go poorly, we sometimes start a list of ways we failed, ways we caused the problem. This kind of thinking not only can upset us, it also can keep us from being able to function. The truth is that any situation is the result of some things that are in your control and some things that are out of your control. Don't delude yourself into thinking a bad situation is completely of your making.
Remember, it makes more sense to deal with outcomes than with fault.

Company is coming, and the dishwasher is spouting water.
The flood is spreading across the kitchen floor, heading for the living room. You think to yourself, Why did I have to do the dishes right now? Or, If I had washed the dishes by hand, this wouldn't be happening. If I had waited to use the dishwasher tomorrow, it wouldn't be ruining my night now. It's obvious, if only I had sense enough to see the facts. Why did I even buy this dishwasher? I bet if I had gone with a different model, it wouldn't be flooding my kitchen right now!
When things go wrong we look to lay blame, and often we look in the mirror. Psychologists at the National Institute ofMental Health find that many of us fall victim to the "everything is my fault" approach to life.
1\vo things we often overlook is how little we directly control a situation and how little value there is in spending our time blaming ourselves. These thoughts do not fix the problem.
These thoughts do not make anything better. Blame is about the past; a plan of action to fix a problem is about the future.

Happiness does not depend on how many bad things happen to an individual. What is more important is whether an individual tends to make negative conclusions about him- or herself when negative events occur. Individuals who think of themselves as the cause of negative events are 43 percent less likely to be satisfied than individuals who do not.

Panos 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [47 of 100]

47.....Be socially supportive.

Take the time to help, comfort, or just be with those you care about when they are in need. You will feel good about your efforts, and it will bring you an even closer relationship.
Sarah wasn't sure she could make it through all her high school courses, then to college, on her way to a goal of becoming a teacher. Often it took her longer than any of her classmates to finish readings and assignments, and every step along the way was arduous. Her friends spent many days helping Sarah, especially with her readings.
On graduation night Sarah, soon bound for an Ivy League school, thanked those friends for their help, faith, and support. She spoke to her classmates as the first blind valedictorian in
school history.

The need for support or the number of problems individuals face is a less strong predictor of their happiness than the amount of support available to them.

Jou and Fukada 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [46 of 100]

46.....Think in concrete terms.

We need to be able to measure our progress, to know that things are improving. You can't accomplish an abstract goal, because you'll never be sure if you're finished or not.

I want to be a better worker. I want to be a better parent. I want to be a better friend. Many of us have these kinds of hopes—vague hopes. The problem with these kinds of ideas is that they are not specific. They include no step-by-step directions and no outcomes. You want to be a better worker. Well, what does that mean? How does someone do that? How will you know if you've succeeded or not?
StarQuest is a consulting firm in Houston that teaches goal setting—specifically, how to make your goals clear and direct. They advise you to think about what you care about, and then
think about what you can actually do to accomplish that. You might set as your goals: I want to finish this weekly report an hour faster; I want to make this task 5 percent cheaper; I want to have dinner with my family one more night per week; I want to make it to all my daughter's soccer games. Here your goals come with built-in directions. These are goals that you can work toward and successfully complete. Completing any goal we set for ourselves improves our confidence and satisfaction and steadies us for the future.

Perceptions that life is meaningful, and therefore worthwhile, increase 16 percent with concrete thinking.

Lindeman and Verkasalo 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [45 of 100]

45.....Enjoy what you have.

People who are satisfied appreciate what they have in life and don't worry about how it compares to what others have. Valuing what you have over what you do not or cannot have leads to greater happiness.
Four-year-old Alice runs to the Christmas tree and sees wonderful presents beneath it. No doubt she has received fewer presents than some of her friends, and probably she has not
received some of the things she most wanted. But at that moment, she doesn't stop to think why aren't there more presents or to wonder what she may have asked for that she didn't get. Instead, she marvels at the treasures before her. When we think about our lives, too often we think about what we don't have and what we didn't get. But such a focus denies us pleasure. You wouldn't sit next to the Christmas tree and remind Alice that there were presents she didn't receive.
Why remind yourself of the things in life you don't have when you could remind yourself of what you do have?

People who have the most are only as likely to be happy as those who have the least. People who like what they have, however, are twice as likely to be happy as those who actually have
the most.

Sirgy, Cole, Kosenko, and Meadow 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [44 of 100]

44.....Eat some fruit every day.

Fruit eaters feel good about what they eat, are less interested in eating junk food, and ultimately feel better about themselves. Have you noticed that even though there are magazines that you would never buy and never go out of your way to read, you will pick them up when you're stuck in a waiting room? Out of desperation and convenience, we accept things that do not appeal to us. The same applies to what we eat. We're in a hurry, and we don't want to spend a lot of energy or time on food. Often it's like we're in that waiting room, going for the first food
we see. Keep fruit in the house, and eat it as a snack. It's easy, it's cheap, it requires no preparation time, and it's great for you.
Study after study shows the physical benefits of eating fruit, and now we know it has emotional benefits as well. Our bodies crave sweet tastes, which originally was an evolutionary advantage,
for it led early humans to consume more fruit. Only in modern times, when sugary sweets have become available to us, has our taste for sweets had negative consequences.

Eating fruit is associated with a number of positive life habits that contribute to both health and happiness, and eating more fruit is associated with an 11 percent higher likelihood of feeling capable and satisfied.

Heatey and Thombs 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [43 of 100]

43.....Keep your family close.

As family members scatter across the country, it becomes easy to forget to include them in your thoughts and in your time. Keep up the contact, share with your family the news of your life. They want to know, and you will feel better if your bond is maintained.

Two decades ago, Sally moved away from her family's home to go to college. Her mother recalls the time sadly: "It was horrible. I wanted her to pursue her dreams, but I didn't want to lose her. I felt that she wanted to abandon me, that she wanted to be gone."
Sally took her mother's reaction as a sign of her mother's insecurity instead of her love, and they grew apart. "She'd ask me why I'd gone so far away. I didn't process it. I felt it was her problem."
Sally's career kept her geographically distant from her family. Over time, Sally's mother showed less and less concern for Sally's decisions. Sally worried that her mother did not care, and their relationship remained as distant as their locations. Then, Sally realized that beneath the initial concern and her mother's more recent reaction, was the same thing: love.
Geography now is no longer a barrier. Sally and her mother communicate regularly, and Sally cherishes the opportunity to visit her hometown. Sally cautions that both those who leave and those who stay have to remember that being apart does not have to mean being distant from each other.

Studies that examine the importance of family to senior citizens as compared to adults not yet entering middle age show family relationships to be an equally crucial component of life satisfaction for both age groups.

O'Connor 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [42 of 100]

42.....Try to think less about the people and things that bother you.

There are an infinite number of things you could spend your time thinking about, but many of us concentrate great attention on those things that we find most upsetting. Don't ignore what bothers you, but don't focus on it to the exclusion of the things you enjoy.
Ralph owns the corner lot on a crowded Chicago block. He counts his immediate neighbors as friends. One of his neighbors is also his family doctor. The problem is access to backyards. The houses are right on top of each other, and the only way any of his neighbors can drive to their backyards is through Ralph's yard. But Ralphoften parks his car in his yard, which blocks the path of any of his neighbors to their yards. They can walk to their yards, they just can't drive there.
Do they really need to drive to their backyards? Not very often, but the fact that they couldn't because Ralph's car was in the way irritated some of them. Ralph's neighbors researched the city ordinances and found an 1892 rule that appeared to grant them access to Ralph's yard to get to their own. Ralph said the 1892 rule gives them the right to walk through his backyard, not drive through it.
These friends and neighbors soon became neither, for they got together—including the family doctor—and sued Ralph for auto access to their backyards. Relationships deteriorated, all because no one was prepared to sacrifice something that wasn't really important for the sake of peace and friendship.

O O ©

Those who regularly ruminate over negative subjects and unhappiness are 70 percent less likely to feel content than those who do not.

Scott and Mclntosh 1999

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [41 of 100]

41.....Learn to use a computer.

Whether they are eight or ninety-eight, people who use computers experience the wonders of technology and of the world. Computers can help bring people together, and nowhere is that more important than for people who are constantly being moved apart. For example, computers allow access to e-mail, and these instant messages are becoming crucial to military families, who often have to live apart from one another and who even more regularly must settle in new communities apart from their friends.
Melody, a fifth-grader whose father is in the army, has recently lived in Kentucky, Illinois, Texas, and Colorado. While she finds it hard to always move away and sometimes watch friends
move away, her computer lets her stay in touch with friends who are scattered across the country.
The army has found that computers have made military relocations a little bit easier for the entire family because they can use the computer to find out about their new home and to stay
in touch with friends they are leaving behind.

In a study of senior citizens introduced to personal computers, self-esteem and life satisfaction were found to improve by about 5 percent as a result of computer use.

Sherer 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [40 of 100]

40.....Satisfaction is relative.

Your happiness is relative to a scale you yourself have created. If you measure your satisfaction right now against the two or three greatest moments in your life, you will often be unhappy because those moments can't be duplicated. If you measure today's satisfaction against some tough days you've had, you have all the reason in the world to appreciate this moment.

Is Bobby a good student? Well, are you comparing him to his classmates or to Einstein? Is Harrison Ford a good actor? Well, are you comparing him to Keanu Reeves or to Robert DeNiro? Was today a good day? Well, are you comparing it to graduations, weddings, and celebrations, or to your typical Tuesday? We need to consider things in a realistic perspective.
Anthropologists at Rutgers University are finding that one of the most significant determinants of people's enjoyment of work is their feelings about their home life. Many people are finding their work more tolerable because their family situations have become more stressful.
The Rutgers team finds that people are clinging to the order and friendship available in the workplace and that the often hectic, pressure-filled home life suffers by comparison.
The sad reality, of course, is that your home life cannot duplicate those aspects of the workplace and shouldn't be expected to. Jobs should be compared to other jobs but not to the home, where everything is both more complex, and offers more potential rewards.
A good day on the job should be thought of relative to other days on the job. A good day at home should be thought of relative to other days at home.

Not surprisingly, surveys find that happy people tend to have more positive experiences than unhappy people. What is striking is that, objectively, their lives aren't really much different.
Studies find that happy people experience much fhe same range of events as unhappy people. The real difference is in what they define as positive and negative. Happy people are those who use a lower threshold in order to label an event positive.

Parducci 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [39 of 100]

39......Busy is better than bored.

Find something to do, because the feeling that we have too much to do is much more pleasing than the feeling that we have nothing to do.
A philosopher once noted that people long for immortality but run out of things to do on a rainy afternoon. If we planned out our time in long chunks, say twenty years, we would never consider penciling in five or ten of those years for wasting time.
Yet during the average day, we often let a few hours slip away.
Time is a strange commodity, because we seem to have so much of it, until the moment we have none at all. We often complain about having too much to do. Yet having too much to do is a positive problem of abundance, while having too little to do is a negative problem of shortage.
Metro Plastics Technology in Indiana tested out this principle by cutting the length of the workweek for its employees from forty hours to thirty hours. And do you know what happened after the switch? The quality of the company's products improved, and the company actually made more money.
Management found that giving workers more to do in less time made the workers more efficient, energetic, and enthusiastic and gave workers more free time outside of the workplace.

In studies of college students, those with more demanding schedules were 15 percent more satisfied with life. Despite the more demanding schedules, the individuals studied did not
experience any more stress than those with less to do.

Bailey and Miller 1998

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [38 of 100]

38.....Share of yourself.

Don't hold inside your feelings, your thoughts, your hopes. Share them with your friends and family. People who hold things inside tend to feel isolated, believing that others do not understand them.
Those who share feel both supported and more content, even if events do not go exactly as they wish.
Rose has been an artist for many years. In her spare time she would paint beautiful watercolor landscapes. From time to time, she would display her work in the local art show or have some of her pieces shown in a small art shop and gallery. Whenever her family asked her about her art, their question was either "Did you sell anything?" or "How much did you make?" Rose felt like this wonderful form of expression, this way of being herself that was so important to her, was completely misunderstood. She wasn't trying to make money, she didn't care if it sold. She painted for herself, not for profit. Every time she was asked whether she made any money, she would churn inside.
Why don't they understand me? Rose wondered. Why do these people, who should be so close to me, seem so distant and removed? These thoughts grew inside of her and caused her to become less comfortable around her family. Then Rose realized that her family couldn't read her mind and that part of the reason they didn't understand her was that she hadn't explained what was really important to her.

Individuals who tend to be socially open rate their overall life satisfaction 24 percent higher than individuals who do not.

Finch, Barrera, Okun, Bryant, Pool, and Snow-Turek 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [37 of 100]

37.....Don't let your entire life hinge on one element.

Your life is made up of many different facets. Don't focus on one aspect of your life so much that you can't experience pleasure if that one area is unsettled. It can become all you think about, and it can deaden your enjoyment of everything else—things you would otherwise love.
Would you invest every dollar you had in the stock of one company?
Of course not. Every expert you could possibly consult would tell you to invest by diversifying. You shouldn't place all your hopes on one company or even one kind of company. Instead,
you should intelligently pursue a variety of investments, with no one central investment capable of ruining your savings.
The same applies to living your life: you should diversify your hopes. Don't pin all your hopes on getting a promotion and wind up ruining what could have been a satisfying home life by lack of
progress in the office.
Don't define your life based on having a perfect relationship with one family member and wind up feeling devastated by a strained relationship.
Build your hopes around the many things that are important to you, and allow yourself to benefit from the different things that contribute to your life, rather than allowing yourself to be
devastated by a single bump in the road.

In an experiment in which subjects were asked to discuss the life satisfaction of others, subjects tended to calculate likelihood of happiness on an "averaging" scale. That is, happiness was associated with people whose lives were generally positive in multiple areas that mattered to them.

Bhargava 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [36 of 100]

36.....Laugh.

Don't spend your time evaluating humor, asking yourself, "Is it really funny?" or "Do others think it's funny?" Just react and enjoy it.

A group called the American Association for Therapy and Humor believes that one of the things too often missing from our days is a good laugh. The message is being heard by an increasing number of business consultants, who find that a little laughter makes for a better
employee. Businesses across the country have Dress Like Elvis Days, clown squads that roam the halls sharing mirth, and silly contests like seeing who can throw a paper airplane the farthest.
Why?
Shaking us out of our routine increases creativity, productivity, and job satisfaction.
But whether at work or at home, the Therapy and Humor group says, "Happiness is a laughing matter,"

In studies of hundreds of adults, happiness was found to be related to humor. The ability to laugh, whether at life itself or at a good joke, is a source of life satisfaction. Indeed, those who
enjoy silly humor are one-third more likely to feel happy.

Solomon 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [35 of 100]

35.....Develop some common interests with loved ones.

Common interests can make it more fun to be around your family and friends. They can allow you to see that your bonds are much deeper than just circumstance.

Every member of Tom's family loves jumping out of planes. "It may be strange to some people, but it's really a nice way to spend the day together with your family," explained Tom.
Tom and his son first tried skydiving together, and they enjoyed it so much they decided to take lessons together so they could learn to jump without a guide. Soon Tom's wife and their daughter were joining them—with the whole family jumping out of planes together.
On a typical weekend, the family spends hours together traveling to and from the jump site, and they might jump out of their plane four or five times.
Tom's family loves the fun of their hobby, and they love the chance it gives them to spend time together. Tom and his wife even renewed their wedding vows at 4,000 feet, before jumping
out of the plane together, as their children and guests looked on.

Each common interest between people in a relationship increases the likelihood of a lasting relationship and results in an increase in life satisfaction of about 2 percent.

Chand 1990

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [34 of 100]

34.....It's not what happened, it's how you think
about what happened.

There is no objective way to tell you if you have had a good life, a good day, or a good hour. Your life is a success based only upon your judgment.

A study was done recently in which people on opposite sides of an issue where given the same newspaper article to read. The people were asked to read the article carefully and to offer their
reaction. On average, people said they thought the article was biased—against their own position. That is, people on both sides of the issue thought the exact same article was biased
against their side. The article could not possibly have been biased against both sides of the issue. Obviously, it wasn't the content of the article that drove the reaction, but the perspective of the readers. Life events have the same effect. The same event can be seen positively, or it can be seen negatively. It depends upon your perspective.

Knowing whether someone has recently suffered a personal setback or personal triumph is not as good a predictor of how satisfied they are with their lives as is knowing how they perceive the causes and consequences of those events.

Staats, Armstrong-Stassen, and Partillo 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [33 of 100]

33.....Little things have big meanings.

Tiny things—the tone of your voice, the exact words you use as you go through otherwise ordinary events—communicate volumes.

Do little things, like a slight change in your facial expression, really matter?
Humans don't swell up like blowfish or change colors like chameleons. Our reactions are seen in more subtle expressions, tones of voice, and body language.
Consider this: recognizing someone's facial expression takes less than one-sixth of a second. We can process expressions from as far as 100 yards away. How can we do this? We pay attention.
Humans are attuned to facial expressions as an indicator of what their companions are thinking. Because we think facial expressions are important, we pay attention to them. Because we pay
attention to facial expressions, we react to them. Because we react, facial expressions become important to our communication. The next time someone asks you if you like the dinner they
made, and you say "It's good," remember the other person is paying attention not only to what you say, but also to other messages you might be communicating.

Married couples who display sensitivity in communication—who recognize the power of subtle changes in demeanor—rate their satisfaction 17 percent higher than couples who do not.

Notarius 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [32 of 100]

32.....Exercise.

People who exercise, whether that involves an intense workout or just a regular long walk, feel healthier, feel better about themselves, and enjoy life more.
A prominent executive used to say, "Whenever the thought occurs to me that maybe I should exercise, I lie down until the thought passes." He said this a lot, and, not surprisingly, his philosophy led him directly to a lack of energy and, soon, to health problems.
His doctors impressed on him the necessity of changing his lifestyle, and the executive gave it a try. To his surprise, he found he actually enjoyed exercising. It was a chance to spend some
time every day, without any worries or concerns, doing something positive. And instead of making him tired, exercise actually increased his energy.
What's his philosophy now? "I enjoy exercise so much, I can hardly put it into words."

Research on physical activity finds that exercise increases selfconfidence, which in turn strengthens self-evaluations. Regular exercise, including brisk walks, directly increases happiness 12 percent, and can indirectly make a dramatic contribution to improving self-image.

Fontane 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [31 of 100]

31.....If you can't reach your goals,
your goals will hurt you.

People who cannot attain their goals become consumed with disappointment.
You must let your goals evolve with your life circumstances. Update your goals over time as you consider your changing priorities and resources.
© © ©
University of Michigan psychologists have found great evidence that while goals are important, goals can do us a great disservice if they are not flexible. Here's a typical story. Jimmy proposed to his girlfriend when he was only eighteen. She accepted, and they were married a year later. At the time, Jimmy promised that he would buy them a house before he turned twenty-four. Jimmy took the first in a series of jobs.
None of them paid very well. Jimmy and his bride lived in a modest but comfortable apartment. As the clock ticked on, though, Jimmy saved as much as he could, got down-payment
money from his parents, and eked out a mortgage approval. Jimmy and his wife moved in, and then they celebrated. The payments were more than he could afford, though.
Soon he took on a second job. It wasn't enough.
Jimmy took another part-time job, his third.
He worked himself sick and over time began to resent both the house and the wife that he had promised it to. Instead of continuing a life he found satisfying and continuing
to save for a house someday, Jimmy rushed the process to meet his declared goal. He let a rigid goal change his life, which was the same as letting a rigid goal harm his life.

If a person's goals are incongruent with his or her abilities, then the goals will contribute to disappointment and disagreeableness, and will quadruple the likelihood of being dissatisfied.

Pavot, Fujita, and Diener 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [30 of 100]

30.....Volunteer.

Every community has countless opportunities for giving of yourself. Be a reading tutor. Give your time to help the local charity thrift store. Anything you can do will not only help the world, it will also help you. Volunteers feel good about themselves. They have a sense of purpose, feel appreciated, and are less likely to be bored in their lives. Volunteers experience rewards that cannot be attained in any other way. Even if you don't have a lot of time or skills, find an hour a month and give yourself to a good cause.

Bessie is a widow in her seventies. She found herself with time on her hands and a desire to do something useful with it. She wanted something that would make her want to get up in
the morning with a smile on her face. Bessie found out about a foster grandparent program run out of a Buffalo area community center. The program uses senior citizens to offer companionship to disabled children during the day.
Bessie signed up and now spends a couple of hours a day playing, reading, talking, and sitting with the children.
One of Bessie's friends, who also volunteers in the same program, says that the foster grandparents give the children "love and attention," and in return they are rewarded by getting a chance to see "the beauty in every one of these children."
Bessie says the volunteer work "gives me the feeling that I am doing something good. I'm helping the children, the parents, and myself. Everybody wins, but I always feel I win the
most."

An analysis of volumes of previous research on the subject shows a strong consensus that volunteering contributes to happiness by decreasing boredom and creating an increased sense
of purpose in life. Volunteers, on average, are twice as likely to feel happy with themselves as non-volunteers.

Crist-Houran 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [29 of 100]

29.....Don't think "what if."

Spending your time imagining what would have been if you could have changed some little thing, some little decision in your life, is counterproductive and leaves you unhappy. Think about how you can improve for the future, but don't waste your present thinking about how you could have changed the past.
We could trace our current position to every decision we have ever made. Where you sat in kindergarten influenced who your friends were, which influenced what your interests were,
which influenced how you did in school, and so forth. We could ponder these things endlessly, but it wouldn't get us anywhere. Take a wrong turn on your way somewhere, and it won't pay to pull over and question why or how you took the wrong turn. What you need to do is think about how you can get from where you are to where you want to be.
The same applies to your life: don't wallow in disappointment over how you got to where you are. Think about what you need to do to get where you want to be.

Research on athletes who came close but lost in Olympic finals finds that those who spend the least time on counterfactual thought—thinking about how things might have ended differently— are the most satisfied with their experience.

Gilovich and Medvec 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [28 of 100]

28.....Every relationship is different.

If you've been disappointed by strained relations with a friend or loved one, you must realize that each relationship is unique. Don't let tension with one person convince you that you lack the ability to be a good friend or a loving family member.
© © ©
Jane has a good relationship with her parents and her brother. With her sister, though, she has never really gotten along. She is frustrated by this, always questioning why she can't
duplicate the easy times she has with her parents and her brother.
What's wrong with me? Jane asks herself. But what Jane does that makes her parents so happy and her brother so happy has the opposite effect on her sister. What is funny and charming to
the rest of her family is seen as phony by her sister. To change to please her sister, though, would not only be difficult, it would alter the positive relationships Jane has.
Why can't we take our positive relationships that we enjoy with some people and duplicate them with everyone we know?
The answer, say psychologists at Canada's McGill University, is that "people are too complex, they have too many facets" to be expected to react the same way as each other.
What can we do? We need to accept that our getting along with most but not all our loved ones is not a flaw but a reality. The university researchers explain, "More satisfied people do not
have happy relationships with everyone. They appreciate their happy relationships and accept their imperfect relationships."

Researchers found there were no differences in overall happiness between those who mainly relied upon friends for companionship and those who mainly relied upon family. People have
the capacity to create happiness from the relationships available to them and do not need all their relationships to fit an ideal image.

'fakahashi, T^mura, and Tokoro 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [27 of 100]

27.....Don't confuse stuff with success.

You are neither a better nor worse person for the kind of car you drive, the size of your home, or the performance of your mutual funds. Remember what really matters in your life.

Imagine for a moment that today was your last day on Earth. Now, make a list for yourself of all the things that you feel you have accomplished, all the things you are proud of, and all the
things that make you happy. Is your car on the list? Your television? Your stereo? Is your salary on the list? No. What's on the list are the fundamental elements of a satisfied life—your relationship with friends and family, the contribution you have made to others' lives, the celebrated events of your life. Those are the building blocks of your list.

Many of us live day to day as if the opposite were true. Instead of appreciating what is truly important and making that our priority, we collect things and indicators of success without questioningjust what success really means.

In a study using surveys and daily observation, the availability of material resources was nine times less important to happiness than the availability of "personal" resources such as friends and family.

Diener and Fujita 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [26 of 100]

26.....Root for the home team.

Living with the ups and downs of your area's favorite sports team will help you feel a part of the community and show you how much you have in common with your neighbors.

Q © Q

People in southern Indiana root for the Indiana University basketball team. Almost everybody roots for the Hoosiers. What's neat about that is that people from all walks of life immediately have something in common. The mechanic and the doctor, the schoolteacher and the chef, the janitor and the mayor may not have a lot of similar interests, but they can all discuss Indiana's season.
The team gives the community the chance not only to hold a common interest but also to come together on game day. And when the team plays away games, it's not unusual to see house after house tuned to the game. Walk down the street and you'll hear conversations about the team and immediately feel that you are a part of the community, that something binds you and your neighbors and the rest of the city together.

Stanley, a lifelong Indiana fan, planned his wedding around the Indiana basketball schedule. His wife-to-be didn't mind, though; they had met at an Indiana game. And other than getting
married at halftime, she wouldn't have had it any other way.

Rooting for a local sports team was found to have positive effects by providing a common interest with others in the community and increasing happiness by 4 percent.

Shank and Beasley 1998

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [25 of 100]

25.....Don't be aggressive with your friends
and family.

Even if you are right, there is nothing to be gained from letting yourself become adversarial with your loved ones. Remember how much more important these people are to you than is the issue you are talking about.
It would be great to always be right, wouldn't it?
Adam is always right. At least, he thinks so. Whether it's a matter of a trivia question or the best way to hang wallpaper, Adam knows the answer. When his family challenges him on some point, any point, Adam launches an inquest. He asks people to tell him why they disagree, and then he tries to catch them in an inconsistency. His follow-up questions are like those used by a lawyer trying to get an unreliable witness to admit his faults.

Adam almost always wins. He almost always gets a concession from his witness. The problem is, Adam's witness is not a criminal in a courtroom but a friend or loved one who holds a different opinion. Some of his friends have concluded it's just not worth disagreeing with Adam, and others have concluded it's not even worth talking to Adam, since you never know when a topic will lead to a controversy. Adam wins all the little battles, but he loses the metaphorical war. He loses the opportunity to spend enjoyable time with those he cares about.

Prevalent criticism within relationships reduces happiness up to one-third.

O'Connor 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [24 of 100]

24.....Do what you say you are going to do.

Nothing kills progress or deadens enthusiasm more than someone who talks but never follows through. It is crucial in both your home life and your work life that you stay focused and committed to whatever you say you will do.

A used car salesman shows you a car. The odometer reads 07,000. The car is about five years old. You think the car has 107,000 miles on it, but the used car salesman says that it really has just 7,000 miles; it was owned by a little old lady, and she hardly ever drove it. Do you believe the salesman?
Probably you think about all the stories you've heard about dishonest people who sell cars, and you dismiss the salesman's story. Used car salesmen lack a fundamental necessity for positive
communication: credibility. We need to believe people tell the truth if we are going to
interact with them, listen to them, trust them. The same rule applies in your own family settings and work settings. You cannot break your promises and expect to continue to be credible,
even if you have the best intentions.
It's important to remember, credibility is like the bottom of a ship. If it has holes, it doesn't matter whether they are big or little— they all matter.
© © ©

The difference between those who have happy personal relationships and those who have unhappy personal relationships is not the amount of conflicts they have. Indeed, each group has a similar number of conflicts. Instead, it is a greater commitment to following through on agreed-upon changes that contributes to the success of relationships and the 23 percent greater happiness of the individuals involved.

Turner 1994

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [23 of 100]

23.....Don't let your religious beliefs fade.

Religion can show us the way in a world in which bad things happen. It can teach us that much of what we see is so complex we cannot understand why and how it occurred.
Everywhere in our world there is mystery. Everywhere there are questions. Religion offers answers, religion offers consistency, religion offers hope.

Doris is in her seventies and has had two heart attacks and cancer. By any normal medical calculation, she would be dead. Instead, she visits with her grandchildren and takes time to
meet with medical students to discuss the importance of religious faith to her survival. Doris believes that without her religion she wouldn't have survived.
Skeptical? It's just one woman's opinion, after all.
Researchers at the Harvard Medical School, the National Institutes of Health, and countless other centers have backed up her claim. Active religious practices, their studies find, are associated with longer, healthier, and, yes, happier lives.
While doctors don't necessarily understand why this is, Father McGlone, a priest, thinks religion is important "not because we know all the answers, but because we have the best answer there is: faith."

Research on the effect of religion on life satisfaction found that regardless of what religion people affiliated themselves with, those who had strongly held spiritual beliefs were typically satisfied with life, while those who had no spiritual beliefs typically were unsatisfied.

Gerwood, LeBlanc, and Piazza 1998

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [22 of 100]

22.....Pay attention.
You may have what you want.

We often forget to sit down and think about where we started and where we are now. The human tendency is to always want more. A better approach is to remember where you started and appreciate how much you have accomplished.

Arthur was a hard-charging advertising executive. After three promotions in five years, he was working longer hours than ever before. He had gotten closer and closer to the top, and he could
almost taste it now. Six-day workweeks with long hours were not enough, so he brought work home with him.
When he woke up in the recovery room after a triple bypass heart operation, he began to reassess. During three weeks of recovery, his family and best friends saw more of him than they
had in decades. He cherished the time.
Arthur's wife asked him if he really needed to work the schedule he had. Did they need more money? Did he really need another promotion? Arthur, challenged to actually think about his life—something he never took the time to do when he was working—realized he had more than he needed and that the opportunity to reconnect with his family was the greatest gift he could be given.

In research on highly educated professionals, almost half of the subjects could not become satisfied even as they accomplished their apparent goals because they did not recognize their
accomplishments and instead created an irrational negative image of themselves.

Thurman 1981

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [21 of 100]

21.....Don't be overprotective.

None of us wants our loved ones to experience any harm, but we have to let them lead their lives. Spending our time worrying and trying to prevent them from doing what they want is a real risk in itself and will keep us worrying all the time.

Everything, absolutely everything, has a risk associated with it. Some people become racked with fear over the possible dangers for themselves, their loved ones, and their children.
Think about this for a moment: over the last seven years fear of crime has dramatically risen, while the actual crime ratehas fallen.
People have become more afraid even as they have less to be worried about. The danger, as Franklin Roosevelt once suggested, is that the fear can become worse than the thing feared.
Not leaving the house or keeping the kids from playing a sport or avoiding other things because we are afraid is no solution for possible danger. It is only a different danger.
While we certainly need to make sensible decisions, we need to consider the downside of avoiding the things that make life worthwhile.

Studies of thousands of parents found that there were negatives associated with being very protective, including increased time spent worrying and a generally higher level of stress. In sum, being more protective does not offer people more life satisfaction
or contentment.

Voydanoff and Donnelly 1998

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [20 of 100]

20.....Develop a household routine.

We often feel overwhelmed by the chores that have to be done on a regular basis. We clean the kitchen, then the living room needs to be vacuumed, the yard needs to be mowed, and sixteen other things need to be done. Set up a reasonable schedule to do your work, and instead of facing an endless chore, you will have a list of tasks to accomplish each day. With a routine, you will not be lost in wondering what's next.

Ernie is a teacher. He often tells his students that while he loves teaching, a part of him would love to be a builder. What is so great about builders? Ernie admires the fact that builders
have to do things in an orderly process. They start by laying the foundation, then they put up the walls, the roof, the floors. Not only is it orderly, it is also easy for builders to assess their
progress. At any time, builders can immediately see what has been accomplished.
Ernie tells his students that when they take on tasks, especially major recurring chores like homework or housework, they need to emulate builders. We need to set an order for
things that need to be done; otherwise we tend to start one job, get distracted by something else, then look around and feel like we haven't accomplished anything. When we approach tasks
like a builder, we finish what we start, and every step of the way we can see that we are closer to being finished.

In studies of families, regularity in household routines improved daily personal satisfaction by about 5 percent.

Henry and Lovelace 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [19 of 100]

19.....Age is not to be feared.

Older people are as happy as younger people. While they must make accommodations for age, seniors often report serene satisfaction with their life.

Mr. Nelson, as he is known, is a familiar fixture in his South Florida neighborhood. You always see him in his garden or taking his daily afternoon bicycle ride. He seems to be friends with everyone and always has a story to tell when you stop to talk to him.
If you ask him, he'll tell you that he has a cherished routine that fills his day with activities he enjoys. Mr. Nelson is ninety years old. Far from regretting his age, he revels in it. He feels the wisdom of his years, and instead of facing the responsibilities that younger people with jobs have, he has little to worry about.
When people ask him about his age, he smiles and says, "I'm old, yes, but consider the
alternative."

Surveys and an analysis of previous studies show that age is simply unrelated to levels of personal happiness.

Kehn 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [18 of 100]

18.....Don't face your problems alone.

Problems can appear to be unsolvable. We are social creatures who need to discuss our problems with others, whether it be those who care about us most or those who have faced the same problems we have. When we are alone, problems fester. By sharing, we can gain perspective and find solutions.
It is a familiar story that the folks at Credit Counseling hear all too often. It goes like this: Sam missed a mortgage payment. Then he missed a second. Then he missed a third. Then the
bank came and took his house away. When he missed the first payment, all kinds of things could
have been done. Arrangements could have been made that would have protected Sam and his house. Sam had friends who knew the rules, who could have helped. Sam didn't ask. He was embarrassed. He got himself into trouble, and he was going to get himself out of trouble.
Problem was, Sam didn't know how to get himself out of trouble. He didn't know what to do, and as days passed and his situation grew more grave, Sam only became more upset, more embarrassed. As a consequence, he isolated himself even more from his friends. Before they knew what hit Sam, he was out the door. Credit Counseling's counselors tell people, "The only
thing that hiding your problems accomplishes is making sure no one helps you with them."

An experiment was conducted with a group of women having low life satisfaction. Some of the women were introduced to others who shared their situation, and some of the women were left on their own to deal with their concerns. Those who interacted with others saw a 55 percent reduction in their concerns over time, while those who were left on their own showed no improvement.

Hunter and Liao 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [17 of 100]

17.....Don't believe in yourself too much.

Believing in yourself means thinking you are a capable person, not that you will never make a mistake. Don't think that because you are a talented person you cannot learn from others or you should never be criticized or others want to know how highly you think of yourself.

A very rich fellow ran for governor of a Southern state not too long ago. He didn't like taking directions from people. He was, after all, his own man. He had become very successful on his own, and he thought there was nothing useful anyone could teach him because he already knew everything he needed to know.
Two things came out of this belief. One, people felt that he was full of himself, disagreeable, and not someone they particularly liked or trusted. And, two, when during a debate televised
statewide he didn't know the answer to how the state passed a budget, people felt like his pompous image was a phony mask covering up for the fact that he really wasn't that capable. This man didn't become governor or senator or anything else he ran for. He told people he was too capable to listen and learn. The people told him he was just incapable of listening and learning.

In studies on married couples, a significant connection is found between rigidity in one partner and discord in the relationship. Where one partner is convinced he or she is correct and therefore not open to suggestion, the length of time disagreements continue is about three times as great.

Botwin, Buss, and Shackelford 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [16 of 100]

16.....Believe in yourself.

Steve Blass was a great major league pitcher in 1972. In fact, he was one of the very best. One year later, he was on his way out of baseball. Did he get hurt? No. Did anything change?
One thing changed: Steve Blass lost his confidence. As Blass said, "When it was gone, it was gone for good." He started thinking about all the things that could go wrong, and suddenly they did.
Steve Blass no longer believed he could be a major league pitcher, and before he knew it, he no longer was a major league pitcher.
The ability to do anything must be accompanied by the belief that we can do it. As important as learning how is learning that you know how. There is an old saying, "Whether you believe you
can or you believe you can't, either way you're right."

Across all ages and all groups, a solid belief in one's own abilities increases life satisfaction by about 30 percent, and makes us happier both in our home lives and in our work lives.

Myers and Diener 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [15 of 100]

15.....If you're not sure, guess positively.

Unhappy people take a situation in which they are not sure and come to a negative conclusion. For example, if they aren't certain why another person is being nice, they assume that the person must have a hidden selfish agenda. Happy people take that same situation and guess the positive possibility, that is, that the person really is nice.

Henry is a seventy-year-old man who always had a good word for his neighbors. He lived modestly in Arkansas in a small home with only a wood stove for heat. Over the years, Henry
watched his home deteriorate steadily. But he was too old and had too little money to fix it up. One of his neighbors organized a group to virtually rebuild Henry's house, giving it modern
heat and plumbing. Henry was stunned by this. Why were all these people taking such an interest in him, in his house? He initially wondered, What did they stand to gain? Were they trying to change his house so that it would make their houses worth more?
Any situation can be viewed as an act of selfishness, if that's how you want to view it. Taking this perspective makes us cold, critical, and cynical. And there's no way out of it, because a person
we view negatively cannot do anything to improve our impression of them. We need to consider that our perspective on what motivates people can either be a source of comfort to us or a source of alarm.
Henry's ultimate conclusion: "These were just good people doing a good thing, and I thank them for it."

Happy people and unhappy people explain the world differently. When an unhappy person must interpret fhe world, eight in ten times he or she will see the negative in an event. When a happy person must interpret the world, eight in ten times he or she will see the positive.

Brebner1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [14 of 100]

14.....Share with others how important they are to you.

Relationships are built on mutual appreciation, and there is no better way to show that appreciation than to tell someone how much you care.

Researchers at the University of Houston have studied the question of why we don't tell people how important they are to us. One area they studied was reaction to sad events like funerals.
One subject, Bill, lost a close family member recently. Some of Bill's friends sent sympathy cards, some sent flowers, some sent notes, some told him they were there for him. And some did nothing.
Why did some of his friends not say anything? Perhaps they thought that telling others we care means being vulnerable. For these people, relationships may be more of a competition than a celebration, and competitions are premised on strength, power, and position.
Researchers caution that we don't win at relationships, we win by having relationships.

Research on unemployed adults has found that the length of unemployment was less important to a person's self-esteem than the amount of social support received from parents, family members, and friends.

Lackovic-Grgin and Dekovic 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [13 of 100]

13.....Be open to new ideas

Never stop learning and adapting. The world will always be changing. If you limit yourself to what you knew and what you were comfortable with earlier in your life, you will grow increasingly frustrated with your surroundings as you age.

You would see him around town from time to time. People knew him only as Herb. He was always walking by the side of the road. People asked him why he was always walking, and Herb
told them he didn't believe in moving machines. Didn't own a car, wouldn't own a car, wouldn't take a cab or a bus.
Why? He said he got along just fine without them when he was younger, so why should he bother with them now? This belief provided him momentary comfort. He did not have to adapt, to face a change that he feared. However, he also shut himself off from everything that was not within a few miles of his house.
The world might as well not have existed for him, as he could not directly experience anything outside of his hometown. Principles are valuable and should be cherished, but there is a
difference between principle and stubborn practice. As time went on and the lives of his children led them to scatter across the country, Herb consigned himself to never being able to visit them because he refused to adapt to the world as it exists.

In research on older Americans, what predicted satisfaction more than finances or the state of their current relationships was their willingness to adapt. If they were willing to change some
of their habits and expectations, their happiness was maintained even when their circumstances changed. Those who were resistant to change, on the other hand, were less than onethird as likely to feel happy.

Clark, Carlson, Zemke, Gelya, Patterson, and Ennevor 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [12 of 100]

12.....Have realistic expectations.

People who are happy don't get everything they want, but they want most of what they get. In other words, they rig the game in their favor by choosing to value things that are within their grasp. People who find themselves dissatisfied in life often set unreachable goals for themselves, setting themselves up to fail. Yet people who set high goals for themselves and reach them are no happier than people who set and reach more modest goals. Whether you are assessing your position at work or your relationship with your family, don't begin with fantasy pictures of the
world's richest person or the world's ideal family. Stay with reality and strive to make things better, not perfect.

There was a big retirement party for a high school principal, celebrating his thirty years of service to the Altoona, Pennsylvania, schools. People spoke eloquently of his wonderful contribution to thousands of children's education. At the end of the night of testimonials, he said to his friend, "When I was twentythree, I thought I was eventually going to be president of the
United States."

Here was a man who was universally respected, who had given himself to the vital calling of education, and who had risen through the ranks to lead a high school. And instead of reveling in his accomplishments, he was resigned to his defeats. He was by no means a failure—he was the opposite of failure—but in comparison with his immense and unreachable goals, he could not enjoy his success.

The congruence of people's goals with their resources strongly correlates with happiness. In other words, the more realistic and attainable people's goals are, the more likely they are to feel good about themselves. People who conclude their goals are out of reach are less than one-tenth as likely to consider themselves satisfied with life.

Diener and Fujita 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [11 of 100]

11.....Friendship beats money.

If you want to know if people are happy, don't ask them how much money they have in the bank. Don't ask how large their take-home salary is. Ask them about their friends.

Two financial advisers were in business together for over a decade, and then the market turned sour. They put everything they had into the business, but it wasn't enough, and soon they lost their business and all their money. When it was time to pick up the pieces, they both dwelled on the lost money and, in the process, lost their friendship. Each blamed the other for the financial disaster. After not speaking to each other for over a year, though, they met each other for lunch. They both admitted to the other that they had experienced a major loss. And it wasn't the money, it was their friendship. One of them said, "Money is like a glove. Friendship is like your hand. One is useful, the other essential."

Contrary to the belief that happiness is hard to explain, or that it depends on having great wealth, researchers have identified the core factors in a happy life. The primary components are number of friends, closeness of friends, closeness of family, and relationships with co-workers and neighbors. Together these features explain about 70 percent of personal happiness.

Murray and Peacock 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [10 of 100]

10.....Limit yourself to thinking about one subject as you lie down to sleep.

Those who have a lot of anxiety let their thoughts shoot around from one subject to another as they try to go to sleep until, in a matter of minutes, they have created a virtual catalogue of problems. With all these problems, you'll ask yourself, how can I possibly
sleep?
Tonight as you are brushing your teeth, come up with something you'd like to think about when you slip under the covers. Ifother thoughts start to intrude, guide yourself back to that one
subject.

Megan hates junk mail. Not only does it waste her time, it also creates garbage. There's so much garbage! Megan doesn't know how people can throw out so much stuff. They say the landfills are nearly full.
Where will the garbage go then? It's not just garbage. There's all the waste from nuclear plants and toxic chemicals. What will the environment be like for the next generation? In two generations?
Will the Earth survive? Can it possibly?

Too many of us allow our presleep thoughts to drift like this. Here Megan's minor annoyance leads to concerns about the future of the planet. And those concerns race around, causing
stress instead of relaxation and sending people like Megan in search of sleep aids. Too many thoughts, we now know, even if they don't lead to such a drastic topic as the fate of the Earth, are unsettling and make it much harder to sleep. When our thoughts bounce in and out, each idea backed by another, the stream of ideas makes us more on edge and less ready to close our eyes, shut off our brain for the day, and fall blissfully into sleep.

In studies of college students, shifting between pre-sleep thoughts was found to be related to difficulty in sleeping and lower sleep quality, which, in turn, were related to unhappiness.
Better sleepers are 6 percent more satisfied with their lives than average sleepers, and 25 percent more satisfied than poor sleepers.

Abdel Khalek, Al-Meshaan, and Al-Shatti 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [9 of 100]

9.....Remember where you came from.

Think about and celebrate your ethnicity. Often we feel lost in a vast and complex world. There is tremendous comfort in knowing your ethnic heritage. It gives you a history, a sense of place, a
uniqueness that remains no matter what else is going on around you.
Our homes look the same, our towns look the same, we watch the same movies, we dress the same, we often seem indistinguishable from everyone else. We live in a time of massproduced
everything, and we often feel lost in all the sameness. We long to know how we fit into the world. Where did I come from, and how did I get to this place? Knowing our family history and our ethnic heritage can offer comfort because it helps tell us who we are, where we're from, and how we fit.

The Foundation for Empowerment is one good example. The group teaches African American children about their heritage with history lessons, art lessons, and celebrations of food and music.
What do the students get out of these lessons? Pride. A sense of accomplishment. A sense of place. The effects are impressive. Students who participate tend to improve both their attendance and grades in school. As one eighth-grader explained, the program has made her work harder, be more committed to a professional career goal, and "feel better about myself because I know more about my heritage."

In studies of students, greater ethnic identity is associated with 10 percent greater life satisfaction.

Neto 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [8 of 100]

8.....Accept yourself—unconditionally.

You are not just the size of your bank account, the neighborhood you live in, or the type of work you do. You are, just like everyone else, an almost inconceivably complicated mix of abilities and limitations.
A new kind of New Year's resolution is becoming increasingly popular. Instead of dwelling on something they think is wrong with them and resolving to improve, a lot of people are taking a
different approach. They are resolving to accept themselves. To acknowledge that, faults and all, they are complete people, good people.

Kathleen, a member of a group that spreads the acceptance philosophy, explains that she used to feel like she was in a trap she could not get out of. She would try to correct herself and change herself, and the failure to change was actually worse than the original problem itself. She felt like a "maniac" because of the pressures to change and the weight of failure.
Now Kathleen counsels accepting yourself, which does not mean ignoring your faults or never trying to improve. What it does mean is "believing in your own value first, last, and always."

In a study of adult self-esteem, researchers found that people who are happy with themselves take defeat and explain it away, treating it as an isolated incident that indicates nothing about their ability. People who are unhappy take defeat and enlarge it, making it stand for who they are and using it to predict the outcome of future life events.

Brown and Dutton 1995

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [7 of 100]

7.....Turn off the TV.

Television is a creamy filling that distracts us from the substance of our lives.

When you are in the supermarket, do you buy something from each and every aisle? Of course not. You go to aisles that have something you want and skip the aisles that don't have anything you need. But when it comes to watching television, many of us seem to follow the buy-something-from-every-aisle plan. If it's Monday, we watch TV. If it's Tuesday, we watch TV. If
it's Wednesday, we watch TV. Too often we watch TV because that's what we usually do rather than because there is something we actually want to see. Ask yourself when you are watching
TV, "Is this something I want to see? Would I ask that this program be made if it didn't already exist?"
Psychologists have found some people who watch so much TV that it actually inhibits their ability to carry on a conversation. In the words of one psychologist, "TV robs our time and never
gives it back."
Don't turn on the TV just because it's there and that's what you usually do. Turn it on only when there is something on that you want to watch. Your newly liberated hours can be spent doing something with your family or your friends or finding a rare quiet moment for yourself. Without TV, you can do something actively fun instead of passively distracting.

Watching too much w can triple our hunger for more possessions, while reducing our personal contentment by about 5 percent for every hour a day we watch.

Wu 1998

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [6 of 100]

6.....Cultivate friendships.

Rekindle past relationships, and take advantage of opportunities at work or among your neighbors to expand your friendship base. People need to feel that they are a part of something bigger, that they care about others and are cared about by others in return.

Andy didn't really know his neighbors. He would wave if he saw them in the yard, but mainly what he saw were tall fences and closed doors. Andy had bought himself a computer a few years ago, intending to use it for his job. Goofing off one day, he found himself exploring the Internet. Andy visited various sites where people with common interests in books or sports or art gathered online to discuss their hobbies. He fell into conversation with one particular person during his computer journey and soon found that they had much in common and thoroughly enjoyed conversing (albeit through a computer) with each other. Weeks later, during a computer conversation with this new friend, Andy's house lost electrical power, shutting down his computer and cutting off his link to his friend. When the electricity came back on, Andy searched for his friend only to find that the friend, at the very same time, had also been cut off because of an electrical outage.
Suspicious about the coincidence, Andy and the friend decided to divulge their locations. Of all the places in the world the two of them could have been—with the computer capable of linking people on different continents, even on different sides of the Earth—it turned out that Andy and his friend lived on the very same street! When electricity went off on the street, it went off at both of their houses, which were just doors away from each other.
The lesson Andy learned is that there are wonderful people out there but also wonderful people right here—if you just take the opportunity to get to know them.

Close relationships, more than personal satisfaction or one's view of the world as a whole, are the most meaningful factors in happiness. If you feel close to other people, you are four times as likely to feel good about yourself than if you do not feel close to anyone.

Magen, Birenbaum, and Pery 1996

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [5 of 100]

5.....Choose your comparisons wisely.

Many of our feelings of satisfaction or dissatisfaction have their roots in how we compare ourselves to others. When we compare ourselves to those who have more, we feel bad. When we compare ourselves to those who have less, we feel grateful. Even though the truth is we have exactly the same life either way, our feelings about our life can vary tremendously based on who we compare ourselves with. Compare yourself with those examples that are meaningful but that
make you feel comfortable with who you are and what you have.

Joe is the oldest of six brothers. The brothers range in age from twenty-one to forty-two. His family never had a lot of money, and the older brothers especially grew up in modest circumstances. When they finished high school, Joe and the two older brothers went to work. When the three younger brothers finished high school, however, they went to college. The older
brothers feel like they missed out. Since financial aid wasn't as plentiful, they really didn't have a chance to get more education. If they compare themselves to their younger brothers, Joe
and the older brothers may feel disappointment and jealousy. They may ask, Why did they get opportunities I did not? But if they compare themselves to many of their friends—men their
age, men who had similar opportunities—the brothers see that they have more than most of their friends in terms of job satisfaction and a fulfilling family life.

Of course, Joe would gain no advantage by depriving his younger siblings of their opportunities. But he still feels bad when he compares himself to them. The answer, then, is not to make that comparison. The younger brothers grew up two decades later, in a different world and in many respects in a different family. Instead of disappointing themselves by making this comparison, Joe and the older brothers can feel good about both their younger brothers and themselves when they make a more realistic comparison to those who faced the same challenges as they did.

A large group of students was given a word puzzle to solve. Researchers compared the satisfaction of students who finished the puzzle quickly or more slowly. Students who finished the puzzle quickly and compared themselves with the very fastest students came away feeling dissatisfied with themselves. Students who finished the puzzle more slowly but compared
themselves with the slowest students came away feeling quite satisfied with themselves and tended to ignore the presence of the quick-finishing students.

Lyubomirsky and Ross 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [4 of 100]

4......Your goals should be aligned with one another.

The four tires of your car have to be properly aligned; otherwise the left tires will be pointed in a different direction from the right tires and the car won't work. Goals are just like that. They all must be pointed in the same direction. If your goals conflict with one another, your life may not work.

Jorge Ramos was on the fast track in television news. He anchored a broadcast that could be seen in the U.S. and Latin America. He covered major political figures and jumped at the chance to cover wars—and risk his life—in the Middle East, Latin America, and Europe. Ramos was doing exceptionally well by his own calculations, both professionally and economically. He wished to push his career even further. He wanted to "peer into the hearts of those that dominate the planet and be at the places where history changes."
But Ramos was also missing his family, all the time. When he was away from home, viewing a picture of his daughter could make him cry as he thought about the time apart, the distance, the danger that he had exposed himself to and the effect that could have on her.
Ramos eventually realized he could not keep his goal of being where the action was and being where he needed to be most—with his family.

In a long-term study of subjects over the course of more than a decade, life satisfaction was associated with the consistency of life goals. Goals regarding career, education, family, and geography were each important, and together add up to abo.ut 80 percent of satisfaction. These goals need to be consistent with one another to produce positive conclusions regarding goal achievement.

Wilson, Henry, and Peterson 1997

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [3 of 100]

3......You don't have to win every time.

Ultracompetitive people, who always need to win, end up enjoying things less. If they lose they are very disappointed, and if they win it's what they expected would happen anyway.

Richard Nixon was running for reelection as president in 1972. He directed his campaign staff to take all available measures to win as many votes as possible. Most famous, of course, were the break-ins they staged at Democratic Party headquarters in the Watergate building in order to plant bugging devices. But staff workers also engaged in an endless series of what Nixon himself labeled "dirty tricks." They would call up pizza parlors and order a hundred pizzas to be elivered to the office of an opposition candidate. They would hand out phony fliers telling people that an opponent's rally had been canceled. They would call meeting halls and cancel reservations ponents had made for events. Why did they do these things? Nixon was obsessed with winning—at all costs.
The great irony was that Nixon was winning anyway and didn't need any of these tricks. But his inability to deal with the possibility of losing caused him to pursue these extreme methods and ultimately cost him the prize that he had so desperately pursued.

Competitiveness can preclude life satisfaction because no accomplishment can prove sufficient, and failures are particularly devastating. Ultracompetitive people rate their successes with lower marks than some people rate their failures.

Thurman 1981

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [2 of 100]

2.......Use a strategy for happiness.

We assume that happy and unhappy people are born that way. But both kinds of people do things that create and reinforce their moods. Happy people let themselves be happy. Unhappy people continue doing things that upset them.
What is the first sign of a healthy business? A healthy business plan. That is the argument of the Strategic Management Center, a business consulting firm. They believe every business
must define its purpose and then create a strategy to accomplish that purpose.
This same approach can be used by people. Define what you want, then use a strategy to get it.
Ironically, children are better at this than adults. Small children know when being cranky will get them an ice cream cone. And they know when being too noisy will get them a cross reaction
from their parents. Children understand that there are rules and predictable patterns to life, and they use a strategy to help them get what they want.
Living a happy life as an adult is like trying to get that ice cream cone as a child. You need to know what you want and use a strategy to get it. Think about what makes you happy and
The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People what makes you sad, and use this to help you get what you want.
© © ©
Happy people do not experience one success after another and unhappy people, one failure after another. Instead, surveys show that happy and unhappy people tend to have had very similar life experiences. The difference is that the average unhappy person spends more than twice as much time thinking about unpleasant events in their iives, while happy people tend to seek and rely upon information that brightens their personal outlook.

Lyubomirsky 1994

The Hundred Simple Secrets of Happy People [1 of 100]

1......Your life has purpose and meaning

You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie.
Consider this: nothing would be the same if you did not exist.
Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

Take the example of Peter, an attorney in Philadelphia, and his dog, Tucket. Tucket was very sick. Gradually he was becoming paralyzed by a tumor on his spinal cord.
Peter could not find a veterinary doctor who could save his dog. Desperate to find someone who could help, he turned to a pediatric neurosurgeon. The doctor agreed to try to help Tucket, and in return he asked Peter for a donation to the children's hospital he worked in.
Jerry has never met Peter or Tucket. Jerry is a blue-eyed, blond-haired, five-year-old boy who loves to eat mashed potatoes. Jerry also has tumors on his spine and in his brain.
With help from the donation Peter made to the hospital, Jerry underwent successful surgery performed by the doctor to remove the tumors.
Tucket's surgery was also a success.

Studies of older Americans find that one of the best predictors of happiness is whether a person considers his or her life to have a purpose. Without a clearly defined purpose, seven in ten individuals feel unsettled about their lives; with a purpose, almost seven in ten feel satisfied.

Lepper1996

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