If you've been disappointed by strained relations with a friend or loved one, you must realize that each relationship is unique. Don't let tension with one person convince you that you lack the ability to be a good friend or a loving family member.
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Jane has a good relationship with her parents and her brother. With her sister, though, she has never really gotten along. She is frustrated by this, always questioning why she can't
duplicate the easy times she has with her parents and her brother.
What's wrong with me? Jane asks herself. But what Jane does that makes her parents so happy and her brother so happy has the opposite effect on her sister. What is funny and charming to
the rest of her family is seen as phony by her sister. To change to please her sister, though, would not only be difficult, it would alter the positive relationships Jane has.
Why can't we take our positive relationships that we enjoy with some people and duplicate them with everyone we know?
The answer, say psychologists at Canada's McGill University, is that "people are too complex, they have too many facets" to be expected to react the same way as each other.
What can we do? We need to accept that our getting along with most but not all our loved ones is not a flaw but a reality. The university researchers explain, "More satisfied people do not
have happy relationships with everyone. They appreciate their happy relationships and accept their imperfect relationships."
Researchers found there were no differences in overall happiness between those who mainly relied upon friends for companionship and those who mainly relied upon family. People have
the capacity to create happiness from the relationships available to them and do not need all their relationships to fit an ideal image.
'fakahashi, T^mura, and Tokoro 1997
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